I didn’t really notice it at first.
There wasn’t some big moment where I stopped and thought, what’s happening to me?
It was just the little things that started to feel off.
The way I reacted to stuff.
How quickly I would get overwhelmed or triggered some days.
How tired I felt… but not just tired like I needed sleep. Something else.
I remember standing in her room one night…
she was pacing, confused, asking the same question over and over…
and I could feel myself getting short.
I was trying not to let it show on the outside.
But on the inside….
I was at the end of my rope.
And I remember thinking,
what is WRONG with me?
this doesn’t feel like me.
But then I’d move on
Because there was always something else to do.
That’s kind of how it went.
I’d almost notice something…
and then I’d get pulled right back into whatever was happening.
Helping her to the bathroom.
Trying to get her settled into bed.
Walking her back down the hallway again… and again… and again.
So I didn’t sit with it.
I just kept going.
Always on auto-pilot.
After a while I think I stopped checking in with myself at all.
Everything was about her.
What she needed.
What kind of moment she was in.
Whether she was anxious or calm.
What might set her off.
What might help.
And I don’t mean that in a bad way.
Of course it was about her.
She needed me.
And it was an honor to be there for her.
But somewhere in all of that…
I faded a little.
I was still there.
Still showing up every day.
Still figuring things out.
Still trying to make it better, smoother, calmer.
But I didn’t feel like myself.
I felt off a lot of the time.
Foggy.
Short some days.
Other days just really quiet.
I would wake up already tired…
before the day had even started…
knowing I had to stay alert for whatever the day was going to bring.
And even when things were calm,
my body couldn’t really relax.
It was like I was always bracing for the next thing.
And that started to feel like my normal.
Looking back now, I can see how much I was holding.
How much I was pushing down without even realizing it.
How little space I gave myself to just be a person in it…
not just the one keeping everything together.
If you’re in that place right now…
where you don’t quite feel like yourself…
I just want to say this.
There’s nothing wrong with you.
You didn’t suddenly become a different person.
You adapted to something really hard.
You stretched in ways most people never have to.
And maybe there isn’t a lot of space right now to sort through all of that.
I know that part too.
I’m still sorting.
But even noticing it… even having a moment where you think,
“I don’t feel like myself…”
that means something.
It means you’re still connected to yourself in there.
It means a part of you is paying attention.
It means you haven’t lost yourself… even if it feels that way.
And I PROMISE you’re still in there!
Even if you feel a little far away from yourself right now.
It might be a different version of you that comes through
once this phase of the journey is over.
But YOU are still YOU.
And you will find your way back to yourself.